I’ve always believed that if you hook up with enough girls, the nightmare that follows is bound to happen to you at some point. I’m 27 and somehow it hadn’t yet happened to me, but that all changed Friday night.

It’s me, LA Hitch, Mambotango, and 2 other guys. We go to a place in downtown LA that we’d never been to before. I wasn’t expecting much, but when we walk in, all I can say is…. WOW. The venue was maybe 55-60% girls, all hot, and everyone was in perfect small sets of 2 of 3, so none of these huge mixed where cock-blocking and other distractions are be bound occur. And on top of all this, the drinks were insanely strong, and since the bar is in right in the middle of a heavily-populated area of LA, everyone was walking home. Meaning they could get insanely drunk and not have to drive.

LA Hitch is opening sets right and left. He’s the single best opener I’ve ever seen, the guy’s a machine. My mid-game might be a little better, but his opening game is flawless. He eventually gets in good with a two set of blondes. His target is a 9, and the other girl is only a 5, but I decide to be a good wingman and over and occupy her. Both girls are totally into us, and an hour later the girls announce that all of us are leaving the bar together. LA Hitch instructs me to get the car with the 5, so he can stay behind and make out with his girl by the front door. I don’t want to, but whatever, I’m a good wingman. So the 5 and I walk back to my car in a nearby lot. We then pick the other two up. I assume we’re going back to LA Hitch’s place so he can fuck his girl and then I can make a discreet exit before anyone asks for a ride home. But no. The 5 directs me how to get back to their place in the Hollywood Hills. Wonderful. Guess I’m giving them a ride home.

HB9’s head is in LA Hitch’s lap during the entire car ride home. I can’t tell if she’s sleeping or giving him head, and I’m too embarrassed to turn around and look. Like what am I gonna do, make eye contact with my buddy while he’s getting a BJ? That’s just weird.

A few minutes later we pull into the 9’s driveway. And all I can say is….

WOW. We’re staring at one of the biggest mansions I’ve ever seen. It’s fucking huge, and the views are unbelievable. It looks like the house they film “The Bachelor” in. It’s enormous. I am now very glad I drove the girls’ home.

We go inside. The interior is like one of the old-school 1940’s Hollywood mansions. Apparently, the HB9 inherited the house from her rich grandparents when they passed away. So she lives in this huge mansion alone, and friends come and stay there on the weekends.

We sit down for a little bit, and the 9 randomly launches into a discussion about her breast implants. Apparently she went to the same plastic surgeon that Heidi from the Hills went to, but Heidi’s got her done bigger (DD’s versus this girl’s C’s), and so this girl really pissed. Heidi can’t have bigger boobs than her. She is contemplating going back for a second enhancement. Aww, the problems of the rich and the famous…

LA Hitch eventually escalates his girl to the laundry room. I can’t figure out why they go to the laundry room when there are literally 10 bedrooms to choose from. Maybe because it’s kinkier? I don’t know. The girl starts moaning immediately.

I chit chat with the 5 in the living room while the other two fuck in the laundry room. HB5 inches closer to me on the couch, but I really don’t want to hook up with her. We talk about the usual stuff… where she’s from, where she went to school, what she does. I really do not want to hook up with her. I try to keep the conversation going as long as possible, so things don’t have to get physical.

A few minutes later HB9 runs out of the laundry room in her g-string and bra, and sprints upstairs. LA Hitch comes out of the room and announces that we should leave. Phew, thank god. We exchange goodbyes with the HB5, and ask for her number just out of politeness. She tells it to me, and I input it in my phone and then call her phone so she’ll have my number. Then we leave.

This is where it gets disturbing.

It’s the next day, Saturday, around 2:00 pm. I get a phone call from a random number. It’s HB5, and she sounds really nervous on the phone.

HB5: “Hey it’s [xxxx] from last night.
Me: “Hey, how are ya?”
HB5: “Good. So anyways, this might sound a bit creepy, but I’m actually in the middle of a divorce, and I just wanted to let you know…”

I have no idea where she’s going with this. I think she might be asking me out, and just doesn’t know how to do it without being awkward. But no. It’s actually much more bizarre.

HB5: “…just wanted to let you know that my ex-husband is psychotic, and he regularly checks my cell phone records. He will probably be calling you, because your number is in my phone since you called to give me your number. I don’t think he’s going to threaten you, but he will ask how you know me. Please lie about it. The last time he found a random number in my log and called it, he smashed my car windows and left a note saying that he’ll kill me if I ever date anyone else again…”

It only gets worse. She proceeds to tell me that he emailed her that morning and knows that she went to the specific bar we were at, and left with two random guys at 1:30 am. So that means that he’s having her followed, which means he knows exactly what I look like, and what car I was driving, and where I live (if he followed me home as well), etc etc.

Wonderful.

Then she goes on to tell me that he’s being “sentenced” next week. I assume it’s for smashing her car windows, but no, it’s not for that, and she won’t tell me what it’s actually for. I ask if he’s going to jail, and she says “yes, hopefully for a long time. So we kind of just have to get through this week.” What’s he do, rape her? Beat her up? Burn down to her house?

Like I don’t have enough shit to deal with. And the worst part is that that the girl is ass-ugly and I didn’t even hook up with her! Like if I hooked up with a 10 and this happened, then maybe it would have been worth it, but for a stupid 5 that I don’t give a shit about???? Unbelievable.

It’s now a couples days later and no strange calls or occurrences, thankfully. But if I suddenly disappear, you all know what happened.